Peanut Butter & Jeweler

Meghangorrian

OCTOPUS MIX

Confusion Girl (Russ Chimes Remix) - Frankmusik
Allein Allein - Polarkreis 18
The Vowels, Pt. 2 (Amplive Remix) - WHY?
The One (The Black Ghosts remix) - Trabant
Favorite Song (The Kids Are Radioactive Remix) - Bo$$ In Drama
Sexy Bitch Feat. Akon - David Guetta
The Girl and The Robot (Chateau Marmont Remix) - Röyksopp
Moonson - Delorean
The Woods (Buffetlibre Remix) - Cartridge
Dawn Syndrome - DA PERV
Tron Legacy Theme - Daft Punk
I Dont Know What I Can Save You From (Röyksopp Remix) - Kings Of Convenience
Ice Cream - Muscles
To Kingdom Come (Grum Remix) - Passion Pit
Warm Heart Of Africa - Metronomy - Remix The Very Best
Night Kills Day - Ghostbird
Krack (Nite Version) - Soulwax
Give It Up (Chateau Marmont Remix) - Datarock
They Done Wrong / We Done Wrong - White Rabbits
Rocket In The Sky - Benassi Bros
RAINBOW MAN (COLOURS MIX) - JAHBIL
Sleepyhead (Starsmith Remix ft. Ellie Goulding) - Passion Pit
Cinders - Matt and Kim
Allein Allein (Metal On Metal Vocal Remake) - Polarkreis 18

Match.baum

Last weekend was epic. O-Dawg and I decided to fly up to Chicago to visit our dear friend Baum. What I came away with: (a) an eight hour hangover that set in mid-Monday that only 60 hours of binge drinking and three consecutive 6:00AM mornings could provide (b) a newfound respect for the city of Chicago and the thousands of beautiful woman that live there (c) pure Baum The Wine gold.

Thursday 5:45PM ET Hartford/Springfield Bradley Intl Airport -
6:50PM Southwest flight 845 non-stop to Chicago Midway Delayed until 7:30PM

I promptly pull a one-eighty and head directly to the blackbear saloon airport bar. I order a bud heavy and 10 buffalo wings.

The bartender has crazy tattoos and starts talking about how she hires the best Japanese tattoo artist in Manhattan to complete her $5,000 masterpiece of body art. She has that pregnant pooch fupa, black-dyed stripper hair, and piercings to match. I would clearly have sex with her, but I want her to shut up and serve me beers.

6:15PM - 3 Beers Deep, flight is delayed another half hour.

… 4 more beers pass…

8:00PM - This is the final boarding call for flight 8:45 non-stop to Chicago Midway

FUCK. I have buffalo wing sauce all over my face. I throw money on the bar and begin to run to Gate C1 for my flight. I am a little drunk and realize I have to piss really bad. I look at the traileresque southwest line and see that there are some jokers still in it. I sprint to the adjacent Men's bathroom. Swerving in I almost knock a father away from his baby changing station and let it fly. Instant relief. I feel great. The perfect combination of grease and beer.

I saunter onto the plane only to realize that I am the last one to board. The only seat available is between two fat men in one of the earlier rows. There is obviously no baggage space. FUCK. The stewardess takes my bag and says… I’ll put it in row 21. Thanks a lot bitch. I jam into my little middle seat for take off. I reek of booze, sweat, and wings. By the look on their faces, I can see that my neighbors are not thrilled.

We take off and eventually the magic lady with the drink cart comes by and asks me what I want. I say coca-cola ( I know, a pussy move but I was exhausted and I wanted to stay awake). I immediately fall asleep with music blasting into my headphones.

9:00PM CT - I wake up to rude tapping on my shoulder. “What gives?” I say with drool dangling off my lips. “Sir, please stow your tray table and turn off all portable electronic devices.” Ohhhh. I look down and see my full plastic cup of coca cola. I slam it, hand the bitch my cup, and turn off my shit. The passengers look at me with a confused… what the fuck is wrong with this guy look.

I deplane the B-737 after getting my bag which can only be described as the trail-of-tears and head curbside to meet the Baumeranian. Some guy is already asking me if he can borrow my cellphone to make a call. Fuck that noise. This town already sucks. Baum rolls up in a stereotypically backwoods-gay liberal car like a Subaru or something and I hop in. I scream, “Kick the tires and light the fires motherfucker LET’S GET DRUNK!” Baum laughs. A woman standing on the curb waiting for her ride gives me a, “YEEEAH!!!” Maybe this town isn’t so bad.

9:20PM - We get to Baum’s apartment in Wicker Park and crack open a brew. I meet one of his roommates who we’ll call Stan The Man*. Baum lives like a pauper and doesn’t have cable. We leave Stan to his episode of 'Malcolm in the Middle' while we head to this neighborhood spot Baum likes named ‘Crocodile’. Sounds brutal. I’m fucking in. You're fucking out.

I order a bourbon and coke and Baum some sort of local beer that he would drink. The bartender is a hot blonde so I overtip her and I am still sober. Got a keep em coming right? All of a sudden some other hipster trendo woman comes over and dumps two personal pan pizzas in front of us. “What the fuck is this?” I say to Baum. He explains you get a free pizza with each drink if you want it. Awesome. The pizza sucks but whatever, its fucking free. It had a 100% melted cheese consistency that burned the roof of your mouth and fell off as soon as you picked it up. It also had that floury roller-skating rink crust.

Around 11:00PM - We clear a few more drinks and a couple more pizzas and decide to meet up with his buddies at a sports bar in Lincoln Park. This place is good. Fratty with a hint of cheese-dick and some pretty cute girls running around. There are about a hundred televisions and his buddies have posted up at the bar. We meet up with his buddy that we’ll call Dirty Clothes*. We instantly get three shots of Jameson. This night is going to be good. I want to stick with bourbon and coke until I am informed that it’s dollar beer night. Jesus, is everything in this city free. Typical Obama. I mean this is Chicago, I should have known. A few more shots and a few more beers and one of his buddies tells me about how he slapped a kid with no arms in a bar who spit on him the previous night.

At this point I start to wonder… If Baum’s friends are so cool, why is he such a self-hating lesbian? Anyway, then the let the BOMB slip. Or should I say BAUM? “Hey Smasher,” Dirty Clothes says to me, “Did Baum tell you how he met his girlfriend?” I say, “Why No?” As my eyebrows perk while a jackpot slot machine noise rings in the back of my subconscious. “He met his girlfriend on match.com.” AHAHAHA HAHAHA. I am rolling on the ground with laughter. I mean I am literally pissing myself. I scream, “I KNEW IT!!! WHAT A LOSER, I BET SHE IS A TRANNY WITH A WIFE AND KIDS” not even knowing that he had a girlfriend at all. This has instantly provided me with lifelong entertainment. I tell Baum that he has made a big mistake… not for dating a woman on the internet, but for ever letting me find out about such a thing. The rest of the night is internet jokes and making fun of him. I hit on a girl with elephantitis of the lowersection which I don’t realize until she stands up but probably should have known looking at her beastly ogre wing-woman.

2:00AM - We head back to Baum’s place with Dirty Clothes and meet another one of his buddies there. We drink on his back porch and play catchphrase until 6AM and pass out.

Friday 8:00AM - BUZZ!!! BUZZ!!! BUZZ!!! Doorbell rings.

I wake up to a lovely half asian woman creeping by me on her way to the kitchen. She says, “Sorry.” I say, “Hey there, Thank you,” in an attempt at a sexy voice even though it sounds like little demons are having a cage match on the inside of my throat. I look down and realize I have no pants on and have been using a bath towel as a blanket all night. I then find out that this is his other roommate Cindy* and that she has been away in San Francisco on a Buddhist retreat in a convent for the past month.

Poor woman. The first thing she sees after returning home is a half naked man sleeping drunkenly on her futon. Welcome back. Life is shit, get to know this. I go back to sleep.

2:00PM - Baum and I scrap going to the cubs game on account of our devastating hangovers and decide to recover by going to his dad’s apartment on the gold coast to sit in the cool air conditioning while licking our wounds. Baum has it in his head (probably from US weekly or some other womens magazine) that he has to get a bucket of blueberries to cure his hang over. We get the fucking blueberries and go to his dads. We both pass out on the couch until 6:30PM.

6:30PM - We wake up and talk to his father... Who must have been horrified at the sight of two grown men passed out on his sofa during the middle of the day with buckets of weird fruit all over the ground. Seriously, how weird is that.

7:00PM - We pick up Dirty Clothes and head back to Wicker Park. During the car ride we make fun of match.com and talk about Baum’s strange tendencies like devouring whole buckets of fruit. “They have anti-oxidants,” Baum exclaims. Dirty Clothes replies by saying, “What the fuck is an anti-oxidant. I love oxidants. I am anti-anti-oxidants. Fuck it. I am pro-oxidants.” I agree 100%. Fuck Baum, that oxidant hater.

Around 8:00PM - O-Dawg arrives in Chicaca. We start hitting the bottle and prepare to have some people over to Baum’s apartment.

10:00PM - We are well lubricated when the ladies start showing up. I won’t have to use code names since I remember none of their names basically. There are probably 15 people at Baum’s. We’re drinking casually and all mingling. Three of the girls have on black dresses and black shoes. Maybe this is a Chicago thing, who cares, it looked good.

Some guy comes up to me and says, “Wow, you have great hair.” Well that’s certainly a way to start a conversation with a stranger. I am instantly suspicious and avoid contact. A lovely woman in a white dress sits down next to me and I say, “Baum is this you girlfriend?” Hair guy says, “No, that’s mine!” I should have known. She’s way to cool and good looking to be Baum’s girlfriend. Anyway, at least I know hairguy is safe to talk to at this point.

11:15PM - Baum’s girlfriend shows up with another friend. She does not look 27 like Baum thinks she is. I think this is a grown ass woman. I think she even has kids. Baum is such a sucker. What a fucking idiot. HAHA. To his credit, she is hot and I start reevaluating this whole internet dating scene. Only for a second. Then I realize I am not a loser.

I then turn my attention to her hot friend who seems to not be wearing pants. Granted, she did have a really long shirt on and probably was wearing shorts but I think this is awesome. I walk up to her say, “Hey, you’re naked. Awesome!” She avoids me for the rest of the evening along with Baum’s girlfriend. Baum has obviously warned them. I can smell the terror pheromones being secreted out of their sweat glands. Anyway, I have eyes for black dress girl with vented sides.

12:00AM - We decide to go to this trendy hipster bar called ‘Debonair.’ It is pouring outside and I did not bring a raincoat or umbrella. I covertly sneak under blackdress vented sides girls’ umbrella with her. She’s cool and lets me share it while using her dress vents as a grip on the slippery terrain.

I instantly love this joint. No cover of course. There is sick techno blasting from the speakers while the dance floor is illuminated with different colored LCD panels and one monster screen with weird images of fruit getting bursted and highlighted words scrolling along to the beat of some fresh cut-copy. Truly lights and music.

I first go to the bar with another black dress girl and ask her what she wants to drink. She pulls a sly move by telling me it’s national tequila day which could be true but probably wasn’t. She knew I was falling for it anyway. I get eight tequila shots and we order some cocktail riders.

We post up at a table and absorb the weirdness. I look over and see some hipsters on what looks like child playground or carousel horses in the middle of the bar. Apparently this is normal. Like everyone else, I dismiss it. We keep drinking and hanging out when I hear a song I really like. At this point I decide to mosey on over to the dance floor. I then see this fucking hipster fool dancing strangely and touching himself on the face and on his emaciated belly. He has a heroin-boy sidekick complete with bad haircut, black cigarette pants, and suspenders over his baby gap white tank-top. I instantly walk up to him and start dancing even more strangely. He counters. Before you know it I am challenging some hipster in my khakis and loafers. I am full out. I dance the fuck out of this fool. Sweat is pouring and I am intermittently taking shots of Jim Beam that some random dude keeps buying for me and O-Dawg because he thinks we are funny. O-Dawg is concerned that the man will try to touch him later. I am oblivious.

As we start to wind down some hipster girls think this is awesome and start to join in. At which point, one woman goes over to heroin boy and starts poking him repeatedly in the ass. Hmmm? Strange I think. I then notice she is double-fisting dildos and stabbing people with them. I am so drunk I think this is normal and like before dismiss the whole incident. It was later confirmed that this was in fact a bachelorette party. Only, I couldn’t tell the difference because all hipster chicks dress weird-as-fuck anyway. We go outside. I see a spitting image of Baum only he is Asian. haha:2:00AM - We then leave the bar at closing and head back to Baum’s for more drinking. We stop at a gourmet 7-11 to get more beer where I pick up a McRib sandwich that I buy for Baum later because I know he will be hungry. I contemplate bringing it back on the plane and sending it to HAWK*:

I have completely lost black dress girl and it ends up being Baum, O-Dawg, Dirty Clothes, Baum’s girlfriend, Stan, one of his friends, maybe some other people I can’t really remember and myself. We all go up on the roof and get rowdy. People are jumping on adjacent townhouses and making all kinds of noise. Stan is so drunk he is just crushing beer cans and slapshotting them into other people’s faces. This is hilarious.

3:30AM - Dirty Clothes, O-Dawg, and I embark on a covert double black ops secret mission. We must hack into Alex O-Bauma’s Match.com account. Jackpot. We get into his account and start laughing hysterically. I am dying. He is so pathetic. It hurts my ribs to laugh so hard. I go into business mode and start taking screen shots of this so I can later email them to myself. But, as I am about to do this, Bauminator has overheard the ruckus and quickly puts an end to our fun. He deletes all the pictures signs out of his account and makes us vacate his bedroom. He can never stop me. I later crept back into his room took the photos out of the trash and managed to get one off before he found me again. For your pleasure (Click to enhance. Baum comments circled and numbered in red, mine are blue):


1. “4 New Matches” - Baum couldn’t even match his fucking socks. God I wish I had time to find out what these fucking beached whales look like.

2. “Chrlorophyl??? More like Borophyl…” - Where to begin? Jesus. I was laughing so hard when I saw this. Not because it is a funny joke, but this is the type of thing that Baum thinks attracts women. I assume this is the facebook equivalent of a, “Status Update.” I don’t know what kind of loser bitch would see that and think immediately to herself… ‘Now that’s a keeper.’ Come on Baum. Even you are better than that. You’d be lucky to get a date with a tree you wop dego. Clorophyl??? More like suck dicks for free…

3. “Online Now! 24-year-old-man” - Oh no he isn’t. haha. I was having so much fun at this point. He’s really just a little boy crying out for help. I am here to expose that crying and to embarrass him for being that little boy.

4. “Relationships: Never Married” - Nor will you ever be as long as you prowl on the internet you loser.

“Have Kids: No” - Not on me, but I think there may be some in the basement next to my collection of plastic fuck dolls. What a loser. Baum, You can sure-as-fuck bet that your girlfriend does. Many of them. What I would give to see her profile… and her husband's too.

“Want Kids: Definitely” - What kind of fucking response is this. Definitely? Jesus. Baum is actually using this thing to start a fucking family. If I were a girl I would run for the hills. A maybe or a yes just wouldn’t do. Baum had to say definitely. I hope some girl tricks baum into getting her pregnant so he is stuck with his internet love child. I hope your kid sees this one day baum so he can learn from the mistakes that you made.

“Ethnicity: White/Caucasian” - I amazed he didn’t just write definitely again. Or make up some slang term for someone with Mediterranean origins. Like sepharditalian or homo.

“Body Type: About Average” - What the hell does that mean. I mean I thought the whole point of these things was to lie to make you look better. Or else you’d obviously be able to get a date without having to strike out in the chatrooms only to go ten rounds with your hand pussy and call it a night. If I were Baum, I probably would have said. “Currently thin with a propensity to get fat off white clam pizza,taco bell, and blueberries”

“Height: 5’10” (178cms)” - No tricks here. I just love the fact that it also lists you in centimeters. This is in case you want to order a girl from Korea.

“Religion: No Answer” - god would disapprove of your dating habits Baum.

“Smoke: Occasionally” - Now if that’s not a lie I don’t know what is. Baum smokes like Michael Phelps on race day. Fuck that noise. What a liar. You are a heavy smoker sir.

“Drink: Social Drinker” - He always did drink like a little bitch. By social he probably means that he goes out back and rubs his own pee in his mouth.

5. “About me and who I’m looking for: I don’t where I’d start/end so I’ll let others do the talking:”

Um… I never got the memo. I would have gladly contributed.

“Me:
Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you’re really looking for are the 64-color box, though I’ve got a few missing. It’s ok though, because I’ve got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle.”

You instantly have a LIFE FAIL. HAHA. The minute you say the word periwinkle to a woman you deserve to die. This doesn’t even make sense. What the fuck is all this crayon shit. I thought it was chocolates. 8-Bit, 64-Bit. Are we talking about Nintendo Cartridges? Because, that is the only shit I come away with looking at that nonsense. I hope someone from crayola sends you a nasty letter. You’ve got a lot more than a few crayons missing Baum. Goodluck my friend.

6. “EMAIL HIM, WINK HIM FOR FREE, GET HIS NUMBER” - Yes!!! Ladies do all of this tonight. His cell phone number is: (312) 532-4583. Ask for the Friday Night Special. NEW LIMITED TIME OFFER - Guys get the same deal for only $9.95 plus extra. The more the merrier. Sorry, No children under 18.

7. “Report a Concern” - I am very concerned. About this whole thing.

Anyway, we all keep drinking and have a great time until pass out at 6:00AM.

Saturday 11:30AM - Dirty Clothes and I rouse from our drunken slumber in the same room I slept the night before. This time I managed to keep my clothes on and avoid using my bathing towel. Unfortunately, I hadn’t really been asleep because Baum’s hot roommate was having a track meet or dance dance revolution competition all morning in the hallway.

1:00PM - Hung over and miserable, O-Dawg, Dirty Clothes, Baum, and I find a place to get brunch. We find what seems to be the perfect place. It is a restaurant called Blue-Line with nice patio seating replete with hot chicks and a plasma tv outside so you can still watch the cubs game. We start pounding bloody marys and wait for our food. Although in our hungover state I guess we didn’t put it together that the restaurant was aptly named for the fact that it is located directly under an elevated train stop. So, every 5 minutes an earth shattering rumble would explode from above further exacerbating my headache. Not to mention I had too many onion rings and once again felt like shit.

2:00PM - We return to the baumstrasse and decide what to do. Dirty Clothes bails in favor of a pool and his girlfriend. No argument here. We were supposed to go to the Taste of Lincoln street festival but this is clearly not happening. In fact we do not leave the apartment the entire day. O-Dawg and I proceed to crush silver bullets all fucking day maintaining an astonishing level of drunk while watching various movies in Spanish since Baum has no cable. I believe the highlight of the actual day was screaming Bill Pullman’s speech in Independence Day while giving rapid high fives ensued by testosterone induced beer chugging.

9:00PM - Baum finally peels the crust out of his vadge, wakes up, and we decide to head down to the Wicker Park Festival. This is a good scene. Thousands of hot chicks. We are starving but all the food vendors are closed so after watching some live New Deal (great band) and a few street beers we search for a restaurant. We stumble upon this strange place with outdoor seating. I am scared because the outside walls are painted with pictures of Kadafi, Che, and all your other revolutionary bullshit. We go around front and find out that this is actually an upscale Mexican joint. We say fuck it and go in.

10:00PM - I feel fucking great. I have polished off a bourbon and coke and have had a few bowls of margarita. This place is sweet. There are a bunch of drunk bitches at the table next to us with the stereotypical three or four gay man friends and a bunch of other people enjoying the lovely summer night. At one point one of the dudes is so drunk he falls out of his chair and into a bunch of bushes. The entire patio just turns and stares. This is one of the most awkward feelings I have ever had in a restaurant and it wasn’t even because of something I did. We crushed some ceviche, guacamole, and other standard Mexican foods and finish our little bowls of margarita served out of little Aztec men with salt for hair. The party next to us leaves but not before we talk to the hottest woman who introduces herself and explains how one of her other friends had to leave the restaurant because she already face planted into the fence. There are no ugly chicks here. I love this town.

11:30PM - We go to Baum’s buddy’s house for a little outdoor BBQ action. He’s got a sweet setup in Lakeshore and I’m feeling pretty good at this point. We’re hanging on the deck talking to some people at which point I somehow am sitting on the floor next to a pretty girl who is beyond blackout and rooting around in her purse searching for the mythical unicorn cigarettes that clearly don't exist anymore. Some other girl gets into a fight with O-Dawg because he called her city a ghetto or something. He probably raped her mother. Oddly enough, she throws a light up crayon at him. Hah imagine that. We talk more about slapping people with no arms, getting your taint spray tanned, and decide to go to another bar.

1:00AM - We get to this bar only in time for a couple drinks. It’s a good scene. There are severely drunk people outside screaming into cellphones. This marathon is winding down. We head back to Baum’s and drink at his place until 6:00AM.

Overall, Chicago is a great town with a lot to do. I didn't do any of it but I've heard it's nice. I recommend everyone make it out there this summer. If you do go, look up Alex Baum on match.com. He’s a good host, knows the city, and he’s great to make fun of. He also definitely wants kids, has an about average body, and only smokes occasionally.

Yours Truly,

Smasher

Memorial Day Weekend (Part 1, Friday - Saturday)

This post is the first of two parts. Part two is funnier, but the backstory is necessary.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009 -- It is the Wednesday before Memorial Day Weekend and I have no beach plans. So, I say fuck beaches. I call O-Dog* and ask him if he wants to get drunk and make bad decisions or sit around and group masturbate with his gay friends and the large women that he hangs out with. I used to think O-Dog was cool until he grew out his beard and started spending his time on craigslist meeting strange people and then giving them ass-to-mouth (ATM) until they let him move in with them.

I am not just throwing around terms here, well sort of. His current roommate actually is gay and I don’t know if the woman he lives with is fat or not. For our purposes she is huge. Baleen blow-hole huge. My real reason for going to Washington D.C. is to make sure he hasn’t gone completely over the edge. I can tell by his desperate phone calls that he is in need of some real drunken fun. Besides, I like D.C. a lot. Every time I have been there, I have thrown up, fallen in my own throw up, gotten laid, broken ankles falling in my own throw up, and escaped out of foreign embassies that I have publicly thrown up in. Never gotten laid in my own throw up yet. My goal for the weekend.

O-Dog then informs me that his roommates are out of town. Done. I am driving to D.C. on Friday night.

Friday, 4:30PM -- I bail from work early and pick up Tall Boy* outside NYC. We head down I-84 West from New England and decide to stop in at my parents’ house outside of Philadelphia for dinner. Dinner turns into heavy doses of unadulterated scotch chugging. We are not making it to Washington D.C. tonight. We stay in Philadelphia.

Saturday, 10:00AM -- O-Dog informs me that he has to pick up some shitty furniture in Villanova for his sweatbox apartment. Sweet… This means I am no longer driving. We get in his crunchy little VW station wagon and putter South to the nation’s capital.

Depart - Philadelphia, PA 12:30 PM
Arrive - Washington, D.C. 3:30 PM

We get into D.C. -- after a brutal drive with no road sodas of any kind. What is the first thing we do? Go to a bar naturally. We wander around O-Dog’s neighborhood without much success, so we decide on Lucky Bar. Tried-and-true, this is going to get ugly. All three of us decide to start off with double bourbon and cokes while casually watching the Yankees vs. Phillies game. I don’t know why Yankees fans penetrate every drinking establishment in America, but of course, there is a middle-aged drunk ass clown salivating with every snapshot of Derek Jeter. He keeps yelling, “Derek! Yeah Derek!” I am a Phillies fan and this fucking guy is getting annoying.

5:30PM -- I just keep drinking and try to ignore drunk guy. Unfortunately, I can’t move because I have front row seats to the drunk show and this bartender keeps ‘em coming. Time passes. Yankees win. Mr. Yeah Derek is going nuts. Fuck this shit, I need a cigarette anyway. I walk to the outdoor seating and sure enough the asshole follows me out and asks for a light. Being mildly sober and still non-confrontational I give him one. He makes small talk that I don’t want to deal with and tells me his life story. This guy is in every bar in America. You know the one. I drink fast to the point of blissful deafness.

7:00PM -- I am now drunk-as-shit. The Meghangolian* shows up with roommate. We’ll call her Karla*. I have no recollection of anything that happens at this bar. I have a $173 bar bill. Fuck. This is going to get worse before it gets better.

7:45PM -- I remember taking a cool shower in the heat of the swampassy D.C. night. I remember breakdancing in O-Dog’s apartment. I remember changing my shirt 15 minutes later because I had already sweat through the first one. This was the height of my stupor. It’s always in the middle of the night for me.

9:00PM -- We go to some shitty Mediterranean restaurant where I got soupy noodles instead of rich creamy pasta. Karla, virgin to my brash and childish antics is thoroughly unimpressed not to mention creeped out. I refrain from trying to make out with her. The Grinch*, a buddy from my summer abroad in Australia met us at the restaurant. Grinch is one of the funniest bastards I have ever known. He is one of the few people who have seen me sober less than 2% of the total time he’s known me and still hangs out with me.

When he shows up I stand up in my patio chair and jump over the railing for a bromantic embrace. The last time I saw him was almost exactly a year ago during a party in D.C. We decide to walk around through the entrance to get back to the table. The group in back of us is scolding me with their eyes and laughing. I take this personally and start muttering, “Fuck you” under my breath. I tell everyone I will fight them if they laught at me again. In retrospect, I am pretty sure they were just having a good time, but me being drunk, I figure they are making fun of me and laughing at my expense. At this point of the night, everything is about me.

11:00PM -- We leave this Moroccan terrorist camp and head to Adam’s Morgan. At this point, Tallboy is straining even to stay awake at dinner. He is just as wrecked as I am. I walk slower than everyone and keep losing the pack. Luckily, I intermittently see tallboy rip down a towering tree limb or shake the top of a stop sign. This is literally how I got to the bar. Following Tall Boy’s path of fiery destruction. This is the point where the night could get dangerous. Karla heads for the hills, well Maryland technically but I’m sure it has hills.

11:20PM -- We decide on a place called Reef Bar. It has a bunch of fish tanks and some shitty underwater scenes on the wall. There are plenty of chicks and the music is good, so fuck it. I love this bar! I start ordering shot after shot. I look over and sure enough I see a good college buddy who we’ll name Dr. Greenethumb*. He is with a bunch of chicks and well on his way to a fantastic ending. This is great. I am hammered, but not so much that I can’t talk and don’t have to puke yet. O-Dog is laying it on thick with a girl who went to school with us. We’ll name her Cumteeth (don’t even try to figure it out).

I walk over to a bunch of chicks wearing slutty outfits. I think they are all so hot. They are from Pittsburgh. Their slutty outfits are for a bachelorette party. At this I scream, “Tequila Shots!” They say no. I say, “Redheaded Sluts!” They relent. I do shots with bridezilla’s sister and some other girl. She asks me all kinds of questions that I probably answered all wrong. I remember nothing but wanting to have sex with her mouth. Then the Bartender comes over and says, “Someone bought you a drink. Here.” She instantly walks away. I am pissed. Fuck her, she’s from Pittsburgh. Upon first sip I notice that it is an appletini. I was too drunk to realize by the green tint and feminine glass. I say, “What the fuck is this shit.” He replies, “Like I said someone bought you a drink… on your own tab.” Well I’ll be a monkey’s ass. I yell back, “I’m gonna drink this whole fucking thing! Because I paid for it. Fuck it, buy them one too and make them drink it. We’ll see who’s laughing now!” I am really drunk now.

Grinch has a pretty girl meet up with him at the bar. I introduce myself and ask her all the regular questions. Only at this point I am blackout once again and cannot form simple memories. I am aware of this fact, but I can't do anything about it. I keep asking her where she's from and where she went to school. It turns out she is from my hometown in FL. She went to a slutty little catholic school that I used to poach chicks from for proms and such. Grinch doesn't know he's in for a treat. A slutty little catholic treat. I then ask her if she knows a girl I grew up with and took to Junior Homecoming. She says yes, very well. I then explain how whorish and slutty she was and how I would love to have dirty relations with her again. She then says... "Oh I doubt that." This is a test of my fucking manhood. "Why the fuck not?" I ask. Does she have a disease, fuck, do I have a disease now... no that was a long time ago. Wait. Is this bitch saying she wouldn't hook up with me again? She then explains that the girl is married. Annoying, but not a shocker... I think I can still hit it. She then drives the nail completely in and tells me that she is pregnant and expecting her first baby. I am completely confused. Then depressed. I go to the bar and ask for another appletini.

Several Hours Later -- We decide to leave the bar. Tallboy and I have ripped off tree-limbs and have begun beating each other with them in the street. We are all hungry and stop at a pizza place. As Tallboy searches for some cash in his pockets he stumbles upon some prescription treats. He says, “Hey Smasher… want a xanax?” Why not. Only, I have nothing to wash it down with. The last thing I remember from the night is swallowing a xany bar with a slice of pepperoni pizza.

To Be Continued...

This weekend in a nutshell

Memoriar Day Coming Soon... Ohh Herro!

Happy Birdsay

From: O-DAWG
Subject: Re: Happy fuching birdsays
Date: May 15, 2009 9:37:16 AM EDT
To: SMASHER
Cc: MARINARABOY


Poetry.

From: SMASHER
Subject: Re: Happy fuching birdsays
Date: May 15, 2009 9:37:16 AM EDT
To: O-DAWG, MARINARABOY


I can't rememer anutin right now. I know it's both ya birdsays so happy birdsays. It is my moms birdsay too. Get drunk. Do a drug. And make the mistake of fuchig a girl with a biyfirnef who had a tuvgr pussy but me ruin so no longer. Bye.

$MASHER

Sent from my iPhone

A Dramatic Reading of Baum

Before you Begin Reading. Please Press Play on the .mp3 file player.



#1
Dear Loser, [BAUM]~~~~!!!!!

Guess what bastert. No one likes you because you are a wine-sipping communist dick suck. I hate you and guess what, my mother hates you too, and my lil bro who only 7YRS OLD hates you and don't even know what you do and is always blocking your chair. haha! I hate you I've always hated you, spreading to everyone that you are a tree-loving bisexual with an overpriced designer jacket that has a collar popping the deflected love sauce back into your face making your hair sticky and straight. Your so jealouse you automatically think I like them well guess maybe I do maybe I don't got a problem with that? I hate you I don't care what your stupid friends say. Go touch your hands for stupid reasons. I HATE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS DAMN WORLDDDDDDD i'd rather be friends with a spider or a rat den ur soooo ugly and fat!!!!!! You're such n ass wipe n bastert!!!!! I HATE YOOOOOOU

Well bi you piece of shit I have more things to do right now than remember YOU

Real Dramatic Reading of A Real Break Up Letter

Baum is Terrible

Baum,
You are so heinous it defies description. Seriously, with your stupid euro jackets and ridiculous scarf and/or neckerchief scene. Fuck. Babies cry when they look at you. Farm animals die of pestilence when you speak in their vicinity. Heinous.

Seriously? WHAT IS THAT THING? ARE YOU HANGING YOURSELF?

I hope that the Easter bunny shits in your mouth.

These gals sure make it look difficult

Mind your business, that's why...

Young Tweezy

Heads up Untz-junkies. Here are two new songs from Tom Weir. Also, since a bunch of you have been bugging me I'll upload a playlist soon.

Thunderstruck (Tom Weir's Club Thunder Edit) - ACDC
Windy City Television (Tom Weir's Latenight Disco Mix)

This is Messed Up

Hot Chick Triple Pranked - Watch more Funny Videos

Sunday Funday?

He Pukes

Lomilomi

Tom Weir Likes to Party

Here are some fresh remixes from Tom Weir that I encourage all of you to download. I like young tweezy's newest track "It's All GGOOLLDD" which has some great synth work. Also, we've added an interesting new remix of "Open Your Eyes" by Shout Night that may interest anyone that likes a MGMT or New Villager sound. I haven't heard the original but enjoy this version a lot. Stay tuned for the new "Skeleton Boy (Tom Weir Remix Feat. SMASHER)" by Friendly Fires.

It's All GGOOLLDD - Thomas Weir
Open Your Eyes (Thomas Weir Remix) - Shout Night

Only in America

Baumeranian

RIP Power SURGE

Back when BTW was only a glimmer in Smasher's eye and an archive of questionably entertaining iChats, four friends gathered to celebrate an empty house and the near death of one of their own (Meghangolian herself had been stranded roadside due to a snowy car accident and had only barely escaped the cannibalistic tendencies of the locals). It was there I reconnected with the dirty bass line and the dirty dirty man himself, Power SURGE. The weekend was a success. I left hungover, bruised, and yet hopeful for the future of my friendship with SURGE. 

However, it is with a heavy heart, that today BTW takes a moment to step back from the daily lambaste of Baum to announce that the beloved Power SURGE has left us all for a better place. OH the humanity! Will I really never hear him sing "Mandy" ever again? His premature (wait for it...) departure leaves us saddened, though it is a comfort to know he is now dancing with ponies and Hello Kitty dolls like he has always wanted to. He leaves behind a large fan base of adoring 13 year old girls, a song book to rival that of Barry Manilow, and  a cache of semi-precious stones. 

In lieu of flowers, please send illegal substances to Smasher. 

Oh SURGE, we barely knew ye. 

Wait, hold on. I hear the conch shell blowing. Something is amiss.

*********

My apologies, it appears that Power SURGE is not in fact dead, but the "better place" is instead a place in China I have never heard of. WTF, SURGE? I just wasted this whole time writing about you when I could have been making up witty turns of phrase about Baum?! This is worst than the time I had to listen to Baum discuss the intricacies of Argentinian wine for a whole night. SURGE, I am disappointed. The phrase "going away party" is misleading. May you be trampled by a herd of oxen, I hear they are all the rage this year. 

So, in conclusion, just as Marco Polo did 788 years ago, SURGE has ventured to the Far East to seek his fortune and hopefully a tiny non-English speaking bride. And while he will still have to wait to frolic with the ponies, at least for now he'll have Hello Kitty. 

Baum Loves the Earth

Here's some insight as to how Baum spends his free time. He apparently reads some shitty online post by some eco-friendly hemp-sucker we will call Enviroboy* titled, Is ‘Planet Earth’ The Key To Our Eco Failure? Summary: some guy thinks that the reason environmental tragedies and issues aren’t addressed is because environmentalists use eco-terms like ‘earth’ and ‘planet earth’ instead of the words ‘globe’ or ‘world.’ He claims that the former are too ‘Sci-Fi’ for everyone to understand. In Baum’s responses he gets this entire mechanism totally backwards and some Smarter Than Baum Guy* bends him over his hybrid. I hope someone kicks Baum in his earths.

Baum’s responses are (bolded) and my annotated interpretation {red} of his nonsense:

This is SUCH a good call. Great insight. {You’re SO easy to make fun of.} It seems as though the “environmentalists” {Those dirty environmentalists… I like where you’re going with this Baum} have gotten it all wrong in how they “brand” our evolving climate - is there anything more idiotic than calling the effect of greenhouse gasses “Global Warming”??? {What the fuck is he talking about? One question mark will suffice you dick. Jesus Baum, let’s not get crazy here. I can think of all kinds of dumber shit to call it… and isn’t this an argument that refutes the original guy’s argument stating that those dirty “environmentalists” don’t use the terms “world” or “globe”? Planet earth warming would sound way more idiotic I think.}

“Climate Change” is a little better, but it still doesn’t illustrate the severity of this “change.” What it really is, is a “Meteorological Shift” or a “Climate Restructuring.” {Now Baum is talking about Meteors and shit… WHO’S SCI-FI NOW MOTHA FUCKA! I’ll RESTRUCTURE YOUR FUCKING FACE. CLIMATE DEATH BITCH} Now, I’m not saying that I have the answer to the new “Climate Brand Name,” { --Insert: CLIMATE DEATH BITCH-- } but something needs to be done to change perceptions. { Like you stop blowing everybody and people will stop thinking that you like dudes? } What’s wrong as you pointed out, one of the easiest, most effective ways to do so may be to punctuate the idea in a “global” way.

Speaking of which, I think there’s something to be added to your notion of “earth/planet” and “world.” We, as humans, believe the “planet” is “ours”; the “world,” however, is beyond our influence. It’s “our” planet, but it’s “the” world. “Earth” is our home, while the “world” is where we live. Basically, if it’s happening on the “earth,” we’ll figure out a way to fix it, but if it happens to the “world,” well, there we may be in {balls} deep… {on a diseased male hooker... What the fuck are you talking about? Wrong. Pretty sure that’s the opposite of what the guy was getting at but I may be wrong since I didn’t really read it or give a fuck.
- Alex Baum
March 10th, 2009 at 11:25 am

A lot in this article… first thing that comes to mind is the manner in which language can IN AN INSTANT either distance or connect people… {Obviously Baum isn’t connecting too much and if he is, there are definitely some crossed wires here} critically important words can either kill or evolve (people in) a conversation. {See that. He wants to kill Baum}

Alex, I beg to differ { That’s right Baum. I can feel the pain coming} that ‘world’ is beyond our influence by proposing that our worlds are completely and totally influenced by us. Our actions, thoughts, needs, desires etc are within our control, that is in fact what’s so beautiful about ‘world’ - we do have control {Not over Baum he’s the spaghetti bandit}. Whether it be consciously, subconsciously or unconsciously, we either…. connect with people of similar worlds and relate to our common experiences…. enquire into the worlds of others with a level of curiosity that causes a deepening of the relationship to develop a common world…. {No idea what any of this means but I see the words: unconsciously, curiosity, and deepening. I would probably put these together in way more inappropriate fashion} OR reject the world of another as foreign, weird, different and separate to our own.

The planet on the other hand is a thing that is separate to us, therefore when we speak of it it’s easily distanced and gives the perception that making any changes is beyond our control. That’s why politicians who promise to make it any different give the impression of being greater than us, therefore more powerful and worthy of our vote. {BOOM BITCH. FUCKER JUST OWNED YOU BAUM.}

Lastly this thought came to mind… what if the only change in climate that’s required is whether or not we wake up to the worlds being carved out with language? {umm yeah… whatever. You rule because you just made Baum your little schoolboy bitch}

Phew, thanks Enviroboy*… just typing this comment has been an exercise to capture a snippet of my world!
- Smarter than Baum Guy*
March 12th, 2009 at 2:08 am

Smarter Than Baum Guy*, my point is more about the fact that “planet” and “earth” are tangible, while “the world” is something abstract. {WRONG, OPPOSITE. THINK SCI-FI BRO} In other words, we believe that something related to the “planet/earth” is ultimately under our control (when we want to exact change, we can do it); however, the “world,” since it’s more of an abstract concept, is not as easily manageable. { That’s right baum, Magellan sailed around the earth with his Starfleet. Manage that you fuck.}

Consequently, by shaping the discussion around our planet/earth, we gain a reassurance that we can reset the clock whenever we choose. {Baum is now talking about Time Travel. He is crazy} In fact, I think your point about “the world” (how you describe it as “our actions, thoughts, needs, desires etc.”) is a great way to highlight the terms abstractness. Perhaps (and this is a big leap) {Very fucking big indeed} you could make the analogy: the planet/earth is to our conscious and the world is to our unconscious. {No comment. Too fucking ridiculous to try, I am laughing way too hard}

Anyway, this is a great piece and I love the discussion/thinking it sparked {You only sparked the following in this order: confusion, fear, fear leads to anger leads to hate, hate leads to the dark side, pant-shitting-laughter}
-Alex Baum March 12th, 2009 at 12:07 pm

Alex, got your point…. YES, it is a great piece to provoke thinking, and a much required enquiry into language being used. {That was a nice way of him saying that he owned your ass. I'M ON A BOAT}
-Smarter than Baum guy
March 13th, 2009 at 3:48 am

I'm on a boat

McRib

For the BBQ sauce drenched boneless pork patty sandwich known only as the McRib.

McRib
McRib Locator

AIM IM with HAWK 12:36 PM

HAWK: dude, mcrib from subway
SMASHER: what?
HAWK: so good
HAWK: bbq rib sandwich
SMASHER: they have that
HAWK: yes. Its amazing
SMASHER: that sounds kind of gross man
HAWK: you just have to spit out the teeth and hooves
HAWK: but its so good
SMASHER: i have never seen that at subway
HAWK: i got it IN the subway, off the tracks
SMASHER: hahaha
SMASHER: oh at a Mc-Kenna, did you start eating it in the subway
SMASHER: mixed in with hobo armpit smell and dirty street urchin piss
SMASHER: i need to get lunch, i'm fucking hungry

-- ONE HOUR LATER --

AIM IM with HAWK 1:23 PM

HAWK: "Me: dude flase alarm that sandwich is disgusting way too much tooth and little sinewey balls of fat i feel so gross and its in my teeth.”
HAWK: "PLEEPLIUS*: the subway mcrib? Me: so gross abort i might go pull the trigger PLEEPLIUS*: oh man.”
HAWK: dude i am sweating this thing out. it is so bad
HAWK: i just shat out some of that nasty ass sandwich and it was not pleasant, however
SMASHER: that is disgusting
SMASHER: can you listen to fantasy metal at work
HAWK: i will put it on surround sound
SMASHER: dude, it's so awesome. check out the video
HAWK: on btw?
SMASHER: yeah
HAWK: ok
SMASHER: the fucking keyboard guy is even flipping around with his gay hair
SMASHER: I can't believe you actually like the mcrib
HAWK: which
SMASHER: I don't even know if I would get that shit if I was stoned out of my mind.
HAWK: mcribs are awesome
SMASHER: jesus
HAWK: but this one from subway is a total disaster
SMASHER: I had cosi
SMASHER: i feel like a fairy
HAWK: homo
SMASHER: I know right. you walk in, there are just housewives and starbucks sniffing dicksuckers, with their trendy glasses
SMASHER: No McDonalds in the region sells the McRib though
HAWK: gotta go to utah
SMASHER: UTAH GIMME TWO!!!
HAWK: what in the hell is that guy throwing up?
HAWK: is that real?
SMASHER: probably a McRib
HAWK: jesus
HAWK: you know that after you watch that puke thing there is a thumbnail for a clip of the "smallest penis contest on howard stern," right?
SMASHER: what
SMASHER: no
HAWK: indeed
SMASHER: oh fuck that is gross
SMASHER: it fucking shows it too
HAWK: yeah
SMASHER: jesus christ
HAWK: i didnt click it
SMASHER: that poor sack of shit
HAWK: but you can see
HAWK: yeah what a fag
SMASHER: i have fucked chicks with bigger vaginas than that
HAWK: hahaha BARNDOORPUSSYGIRL*
SMASHER: i may have to take that down it's so disturbing
SMASHER: HAHAH
SMASHER: dude whatever she's nice
HAWK: is it bad that for the last hour at least of work every day i just sit in front of my computer laughing?
HAWK: and there are inverted penises on the screen.....
SMASHER: THIS IS AMERICA

Alex Baum is the aboriginal girl from the film a-baum-ination Australia

I’m Alex Baum. I use my scarf to spread on tables and to taunt angry bulls.

So I was minding my sweet business, using chainsaws, supporting America and combing my beard when my brother Grundle-Snifter (who is a fruit cake himself) returned from town with the Digital Video Disc Australia. This film was gayer then Baum on Hanukkah. Literally my brother put the DVD in and 7 guys came out of the TV and just started blowing each other right there in the living room. Naturally, I made popcorn.

Before I go any further, I want to make one salient and forceful point: Australia was the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life, ever. And, that’s coming from someone who thinks that Ghost Rider starring Nicholas Cage was robbed of the Oscar for Best Movie Ever Made. This movie was awful. It is even worse than Bangkok Dangerous. Everything about it is atrocious. I could have taken a dump on an x-ray of my shattered spine and it would have created a more convincing movie than this. Terrible.

Come here cows, I want to sing you a lullaby.

Anyway, on to the real reason this movie even merits my scathing condemnation. After I got over the initial shock of what can only be described as a vigorous eye raping, I realized that none other then Alex Baum, king of heinousville, was in the movie. Baum plays the role of an Aboriginal girl with Down’s Syndrome. It wasn’t difficult for him to play this part as it mostly just required playing the violin to stop cattle, wearing a tablecloth around your neck and enjoying a nice dick salad around various arid vistas. All of a sudden the whole movie made sense. Baum was using the film as a vessel to finally tell the world that he is a 9 year old horny aboriginal girl on the inside. Soon he is going to start ordering dick pizza from 236-2616 and playing the conveniently phallic didgeridoo.

Im going to fuck you till you love me.

Baum’s performance is nothing short of staggering. Its impossible to understand anything he says as it is all disguised under his a horrible speech impediment. The film also portrays Baum’s affinity for large cattle and his ability to lullaby them to sleep before milking their prostate and making guacamolito sauce out of the ejaculates. Congratulations,
Grade: F

Dragonforce

Check out the keyboardist airing it out

Because Break.com Removed the 'I Love You Man' boat race scene

Nationalized Banks

The New F***ing Citibank - watch more funny videos

Bud Light Commercial

Ass-Baum

AIM IM with HAWK /26/09 4:03 pM

SMASHER: baum is so gay
HAWK: dude
HAWK: seriously
SMASHER: his facebook is sooo gay
SMASHER: it hurts me to post this shit now
SMASHER: it's nauseating
HAWK: going on his page is like walking into a gay dance party
SMASHER: seriously
HAWK: wearing a rainbow thong
HAWK: by accident
SMASHER: he has a uterus
HAWK: im sure
HAWK: baum pees sitting down



1. February 21, Crapples wrote at 2:55PM

"If you didn't wear ascots, terror scarves, or hooded sweatshirts under your jackets I would blow you."

True statement. She blows everybody.

2. February 23, Baum writes on his pathetic boyfriend's wall

Baum has many boyfriends that he meets at places like "The Wiener Circle" which he claims is a traditional hot dog stand in Chicago. This is obviously some sort of code for something I'd rather not think about.

3. Alex Baum is just bought Iron & Wine tix for their show in May!! (last friday)

I guess Baum was worried that the tickets would sell out in February. Fucking Loser. Who the fuck goes to a dick-jerking concert like Iron & Wine and then brags about it three months in advance. Come on Baum. This is just another broken rung on the clown ladder of Baum's bad music. Iron & Wine joins the likes of John Legend, The Postal Service, Dave Matthews Band, and other terrible music in Baum's itunes library that is intended for the listening pleasure of teenage girls or their washed up middle-aged parents. No one should go to this concert just because Baum is going.

4. Baum's Facebook Quote & Translation:

Baum: "Soy aquel tipo Callando"
Translation: I like to make hot tips lap-dancing

Baum: Con aires de intelectual
Translation: Do I look sexy and intellectual like Nicholas Cage in Con Air.

Baum: Que te mira de costado
Translation: Look at my costume. Especially my ascot.

Baum: Solo por disimular
Translation: I am not like you, I prefer to masturbate in front of other people.

Granny Smith Crapples

O-FACE!!!!

The many O-Faces of the O-Dawg, the Steve McKenna of Baumthewine. Click and Enjoy.

Dinner time. Siiick

AIM IM with HAWK 2/2/09 6:08 PM

HAWK: ha ha
SMASHER: what
SMASHER: what are you ha-ha-ing about
SMASHER: i am watching NCIS
SMASHER: siiiiiiiick
SMASHER: then i am going to watch pumping iron on DVD
HAWK: siiick
SMASHER: are you watching porn yet
HAWK: i just arced one
SMASHER: nice
HAWK: now i am drinking red wine
HAWK: going vampire mode
SMASHER: siiiick
SMASHER: i am eating left over osso bucco, feasting on meat and marrow
HAWK: siiiick
SMASHER: dude
SMASHER: i just saw a commercial for a hot pocket steak and cheese panini
SMASHER: holy shit
HAWK: yum
HAWK: ordering chinese
SMASHER: arc that
SMASHER: what do you get when you order Chinese?
SMASHER: moo shoo
SMASHER: kung pao
SMASHER: szechuan
SMASHER: sweet and sour stuff
HAWK: this is a chinese/thai place
SMASHER: so you're ordering thai then
SMASHER: thai food is the tits
HAWK: i am getting szechuan dumps and pad see yoo
SMASHER: i pad see you too
HAWK: jesus

A Crapple a day keeps the doctor away...

Golden Delicious Crapple

Friendly Fires - Skeleton Boy

Friendly Fires 'Skeleton Boy' by Clemens Habicht from Nexus Productions on Vimeo.

O-Bauma

Alex "O-Bauma" has outdone himself again. Due to party induced sickness and being busy, I have neglected my duty of trashing our dear friend Baum. For that, I apologize. It won't happen again.

SMASHER: what should this post be titled?
HAWK: "i take every opportunity to write gay italian quotes on everything"
SMASHER: i think that is spanish
HAWK: whatever
HAWK: it is GAY
SMASHER: it is

While cleaning up my desktop I stumbled across a snapshot I took from Baum's facebook account dating back to pre-inauguration January. The level of shame and humiliation that he brings upon himself is just ridiculous. I'm convinced that not a single electrical pulse or brainwave goes through the spiky porcupined shit he calls a head every time he updates his fb status. He just starts writing gay shit willy-nilly. Comments below match corresponding numbers highlighted in red. Click on image to enlarge.



1. "Alex is already sore from squash... this can't be good." (Jan 13th, 12:57pm)

What a fucking cocksucker. Bragging about his athletic prowess. Baum sucks at squash. My fat ass could tear him up any day of the weak. And as for being sore, that is total bullshit. It is called fatigue or being tired Baum. Can't you just see him on the couch whining about this. He's probably wearing a pink bathrobe with ponies on it, sipping some kind of hot herbal tea, and rubbing lotion all over his hairy legs. A real man drinks cold tea with lumps of coal and nails in it.

I also guarantee you that the only soreness he has is in his blackened lungs due to the ten packs of cigarettes he smokes per day making any kind of cardiovascular activity excruciatingly painful... Or it's a blatant homoerotic reference to going on a date with his boyfriend and he's actually sore from being banged in the deuce after a light round of girly squash. It all makes sense with the, "This can't be good," part. haha. nevermind all that stuff about cigarettes.

2. "Alex is mom-date all day, then office (buzz-kill)..." (Jan 14th, 1:23pm)

This one is utterly confusing to me. But hey, it's the day after his "squash" workout and he's on a roll. Maybe he was on a sick estrogen rage or something. I mean what the fuck. Sure, spending time with your mom is great. They buy you shit and tell you all the great things about yourself that your father probably never will. However, a man should never in his lifetime have to say the words "mom-date" let alone publicize it so all his friends can see. What's more, his mom is a sick cougar who I'd gladly go on a mom-date with.

But wait. He just couldn't resist. He has to make the standard "have to go into the office my life is so terrible" status update. Only fucking girls do that shit. To everyone who complains about work on facebook. FUCK YOU! Work sucks. That's why they call it that. To everyone who brags about how great work is on facebook. FUCK YOU HARDER! and I hope someone rubs your nose in your own pee.

If I had to spend an entire day with my mom doing mom-date things, the office would be the last thing from a buzz-kill. Also, January 14th was a Wednesday so you should be working anyway. Go flick yourself in the balls Baum.

3. O-Dawg writes: "You are so heinous" (Jan 17th, 1:57pm)

I couldn't agree more with this statement. But, what's shocking is that no one else commented on how much of a fairy he was for three (3) days. That shows you the caliber of his friends. I'm ashamed of myself for not making fun of him in that time frame. My behavior was inexcusable. Thank you O-Dawg for picking up the slack. I mean you should be the last one to comment after announcing to the world that you were having a "broke-back" party up at your house last December, but I am grateful nonetheless.

4. "Alex is MLK walked so that Obama could run. Obama ran so that the next generation of blacks could fly." (Jan 17th, 12:49pm)

Where to Begin? I don't know where Baum picked this up, maybe he was driving through cabrini green or something, but it truly made my day. This is quintessential Baum. From here on out, he will be known as Alex O-Bauma. He is an upper class jewish-italian boy who lives off Lakeshore drive in Chicago. If he was in fact black I could understand, but no dice. With Obama in office, Baum has actually gained nothing. The only thing flying is the spaghetti sauce used to gel his hair when he's driving in his volvo with the sunroof open. Yet, the power of hope and change that has swept the nation has obviously afflicted Baum to the level of unmitigated drunkenness.

5. Smasher writes: "you fucking loser." (Jan 19th, 8:25pm)

See arrow and circled image.

6. "Alex is MLK walked so that Obama could run. Obama ran so that the next generation of blacks could fly." (Jan 17th, 12:49pm)

It's so ridiculous facebook decided to show it again in big bold letters next to his name.

7. Baum's FB Quote - He should not write things in spanish/italian because this is how it translates to everyone else.

Baum Quote, First Part: "Hay manos capaces de fabricar herramientas...
TRANSLATION: "Hey, I have the capacity to fit many hairy men in my clothes...

Baum Quote, Second Part: Con las que se hacen maquinas para hacer ordenadores...
TRANSLATION: "If you will not get inside my clothes I will send out an order for a hard mannequin instead."

Baum Quote, Thid Part: Que a su vez diserian maquinas que hacen herramientas para que las use la mano.
TRANSLATION: "I have learned to desire the hard mannequin instead of the hairy men inside of my clothes."

8. Baum is so ridiculous his friends' heads explode into a thousand shards of tiny glass.