Alex Baum is the aboriginal girl from the film a-baum-ination Australia

I’m Alex Baum. I use my scarf to spread on tables and to taunt angry bulls.

So I was minding my sweet business, using chainsaws, supporting America and combing my beard when my brother Grundle-Snifter (who is a fruit cake himself) returned from town with the Digital Video Disc Australia. This film was gayer then Baum on Hanukkah. Literally my brother put the DVD in and 7 guys came out of the TV and just started blowing each other right there in the living room. Naturally, I made popcorn.

Before I go any further, I want to make one salient and forceful point: Australia was the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life, ever. And, that’s coming from someone who thinks that Ghost Rider starring Nicholas Cage was robbed of the Oscar for Best Movie Ever Made. This movie was awful. It is even worse than Bangkok Dangerous. Everything about it is atrocious. I could have taken a dump on an x-ray of my shattered spine and it would have created a more convincing movie than this. Terrible.

Come here cows, I want to sing you a lullaby.

Anyway, on to the real reason this movie even merits my scathing condemnation. After I got over the initial shock of what can only be described as a vigorous eye raping, I realized that none other then Alex Baum, king of heinousville, was in the movie. Baum plays the role of an Aboriginal girl with Down’s Syndrome. It wasn’t difficult for him to play this part as it mostly just required playing the violin to stop cattle, wearing a tablecloth around your neck and enjoying a nice dick salad around various arid vistas. All of a sudden the whole movie made sense. Baum was using the film as a vessel to finally tell the world that he is a 9 year old horny aboriginal girl on the inside. Soon he is going to start ordering dick pizza from 236-2616 and playing the conveniently phallic didgeridoo.

Im going to fuck you till you love me.

Baum’s performance is nothing short of staggering. Its impossible to understand anything he says as it is all disguised under his a horrible speech impediment. The film also portrays Baum’s affinity for large cattle and his ability to lullaby them to sleep before milking their prostate and making guacamolito sauce out of the ejaculates. Congratulations,
Grade: F