Ass-Baum

AIM IM with HAWK /26/09 4:03 pM

SMASHER: baum is so gay
HAWK: dude
HAWK: seriously
SMASHER: his facebook is sooo gay
SMASHER: it hurts me to post this shit now
SMASHER: it's nauseating
HAWK: going on his page is like walking into a gay dance party
SMASHER: seriously
HAWK: wearing a rainbow thong
HAWK: by accident
SMASHER: he has a uterus
HAWK: im sure
HAWK: baum pees sitting down



1. February 21, Crapples wrote at 2:55PM

"If you didn't wear ascots, terror scarves, or hooded sweatshirts under your jackets I would blow you."

True statement. She blows everybody.

2. February 23, Baum writes on his pathetic boyfriend's wall

Baum has many boyfriends that he meets at places like "The Wiener Circle" which he claims is a traditional hot dog stand in Chicago. This is obviously some sort of code for something I'd rather not think about.

3. Alex Baum is just bought Iron & Wine tix for their show in May!! (last friday)

I guess Baum was worried that the tickets would sell out in February. Fucking Loser. Who the fuck goes to a dick-jerking concert like Iron & Wine and then brags about it three months in advance. Come on Baum. This is just another broken rung on the clown ladder of Baum's bad music. Iron & Wine joins the likes of John Legend, The Postal Service, Dave Matthews Band, and other terrible music in Baum's itunes library that is intended for the listening pleasure of teenage girls or their washed up middle-aged parents. No one should go to this concert just because Baum is going.

4. Baum's Facebook Quote & Translation:

Baum: "Soy aquel tipo Callando"
Translation: I like to make hot tips lap-dancing

Baum: Con aires de intelectual
Translation: Do I look sexy and intellectual like Nicholas Cage in Con Air.

Baum: Que te mira de costado
Translation: Look at my costume. Especially my ascot.

Baum: Solo por disimular
Translation: I am not like you, I prefer to masturbate in front of other people.

Granny Smith Crapples

O-FACE!!!!

The many O-Faces of the O-Dawg, the Steve McKenna of Baumthewine. Click and Enjoy.

Dinner time. Siiick

AIM IM with HAWK 2/2/09 6:08 PM

HAWK: ha ha
SMASHER: what
SMASHER: what are you ha-ha-ing about
SMASHER: i am watching NCIS
SMASHER: siiiiiiiick
SMASHER: then i am going to watch pumping iron on DVD
HAWK: siiick
SMASHER: are you watching porn yet
HAWK: i just arced one
SMASHER: nice
HAWK: now i am drinking red wine
HAWK: going vampire mode
SMASHER: siiiick
SMASHER: i am eating left over osso bucco, feasting on meat and marrow
HAWK: siiiick
SMASHER: dude
SMASHER: i just saw a commercial for a hot pocket steak and cheese panini
SMASHER: holy shit
HAWK: yum
HAWK: ordering chinese
SMASHER: arc that
SMASHER: what do you get when you order Chinese?
SMASHER: moo shoo
SMASHER: kung pao
SMASHER: szechuan
SMASHER: sweet and sour stuff
HAWK: this is a chinese/thai place
SMASHER: so you're ordering thai then
SMASHER: thai food is the tits
HAWK: i am getting szechuan dumps and pad see yoo
SMASHER: i pad see you too
HAWK: jesus

A Crapple a day keeps the doctor away...

Golden Delicious Crapple

Friendly Fires - Skeleton Boy

Friendly Fires 'Skeleton Boy' by Clemens Habicht from Nexus Productions on Vimeo.

O-Bauma

Alex "O-Bauma" has outdone himself again. Due to party induced sickness and being busy, I have neglected my duty of trashing our dear friend Baum. For that, I apologize. It won't happen again.

SMASHER: what should this post be titled?
HAWK: "i take every opportunity to write gay italian quotes on everything"
SMASHER: i think that is spanish
HAWK: whatever
HAWK: it is GAY
SMASHER: it is

While cleaning up my desktop I stumbled across a snapshot I took from Baum's facebook account dating back to pre-inauguration January. The level of shame and humiliation that he brings upon himself is just ridiculous. I'm convinced that not a single electrical pulse or brainwave goes through the spiky porcupined shit he calls a head every time he updates his fb status. He just starts writing gay shit willy-nilly. Comments below match corresponding numbers highlighted in red. Click on image to enlarge.



1. "Alex is already sore from squash... this can't be good." (Jan 13th, 12:57pm)

What a fucking cocksucker. Bragging about his athletic prowess. Baum sucks at squash. My fat ass could tear him up any day of the weak. And as for being sore, that is total bullshit. It is called fatigue or being tired Baum. Can't you just see him on the couch whining about this. He's probably wearing a pink bathrobe with ponies on it, sipping some kind of hot herbal tea, and rubbing lotion all over his hairy legs. A real man drinks cold tea with lumps of coal and nails in it.

I also guarantee you that the only soreness he has is in his blackened lungs due to the ten packs of cigarettes he smokes per day making any kind of cardiovascular activity excruciatingly painful... Or it's a blatant homoerotic reference to going on a date with his boyfriend and he's actually sore from being banged in the deuce after a light round of girly squash. It all makes sense with the, "This can't be good," part. haha. nevermind all that stuff about cigarettes.

2. "Alex is mom-date all day, then office (buzz-kill)..." (Jan 14th, 1:23pm)

This one is utterly confusing to me. But hey, it's the day after his "squash" workout and he's on a roll. Maybe he was on a sick estrogen rage or something. I mean what the fuck. Sure, spending time with your mom is great. They buy you shit and tell you all the great things about yourself that your father probably never will. However, a man should never in his lifetime have to say the words "mom-date" let alone publicize it so all his friends can see. What's more, his mom is a sick cougar who I'd gladly go on a mom-date with.

But wait. He just couldn't resist. He has to make the standard "have to go into the office my life is so terrible" status update. Only fucking girls do that shit. To everyone who complains about work on facebook. FUCK YOU! Work sucks. That's why they call it that. To everyone who brags about how great work is on facebook. FUCK YOU HARDER! and I hope someone rubs your nose in your own pee.

If I had to spend an entire day with my mom doing mom-date things, the office would be the last thing from a buzz-kill. Also, January 14th was a Wednesday so you should be working anyway. Go flick yourself in the balls Baum.

3. O-Dawg writes: "You are so heinous" (Jan 17th, 1:57pm)

I couldn't agree more with this statement. But, what's shocking is that no one else commented on how much of a fairy he was for three (3) days. That shows you the caliber of his friends. I'm ashamed of myself for not making fun of him in that time frame. My behavior was inexcusable. Thank you O-Dawg for picking up the slack. I mean you should be the last one to comment after announcing to the world that you were having a "broke-back" party up at your house last December, but I am grateful nonetheless.

4. "Alex is MLK walked so that Obama could run. Obama ran so that the next generation of blacks could fly." (Jan 17th, 12:49pm)

Where to Begin? I don't know where Baum picked this up, maybe he was driving through cabrini green or something, but it truly made my day. This is quintessential Baum. From here on out, he will be known as Alex O-Bauma. He is an upper class jewish-italian boy who lives off Lakeshore drive in Chicago. If he was in fact black I could understand, but no dice. With Obama in office, Baum has actually gained nothing. The only thing flying is the spaghetti sauce used to gel his hair when he's driving in his volvo with the sunroof open. Yet, the power of hope and change that has swept the nation has obviously afflicted Baum to the level of unmitigated drunkenness.

5. Smasher writes: "you fucking loser." (Jan 19th, 8:25pm)

See arrow and circled image.

6. "Alex is MLK walked so that Obama could run. Obama ran so that the next generation of blacks could fly." (Jan 17th, 12:49pm)

It's so ridiculous facebook decided to show it again in big bold letters next to his name.

7. Baum's FB Quote - He should not write things in spanish/italian because this is how it translates to everyone else.

Baum Quote, First Part: "Hay manos capaces de fabricar herramientas...
TRANSLATION: "Hey, I have the capacity to fit many hairy men in my clothes...

Baum Quote, Second Part: Con las que se hacen maquinas para hacer ordenadores...
TRANSLATION: "If you will not get inside my clothes I will send out an order for a hard mannequin instead."

Baum Quote, Thid Part: Que a su vez diserian maquinas que hacen herramientas para que las use la mano.
TRANSLATION: "I have learned to desire the hard mannequin instead of the hairy men inside of my clothes."

8. Baum is so ridiculous his friends' heads explode into a thousand shards of tiny glass.